Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
All I want is dick and wine.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
