He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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