Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
