I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
two words: eviction party
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
