I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
