He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
