My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
