Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
