just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize