My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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