How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
