Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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