I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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