she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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