I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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