I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
