So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
