He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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