People in love make me want to vomit
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
