You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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