god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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