she was so not down for the gang bang
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
