Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
