dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
