If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i drank out of a bidet.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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