just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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