Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
