I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
