and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
