is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
