i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
