The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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