When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
