His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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