im drinking this country out of the recession.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
