I want to have your abortion
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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