I must be too annoying 4 u.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
As shirtless as possible
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
