I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
