Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
