i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
