Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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