update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
