do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
