so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
