Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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