She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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