You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
