i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
