i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize