New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
