NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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