i wish my penis had a tongue
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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