don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
