Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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