now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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