Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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