So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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