i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
